So, today's lesson is this - my brain is really f-d up.
I had a lip biopsy for the doc at Hopkins yesterday, to prove or disprove that I might have Sjogren's syndrome in addition to, or instead of MS. I loved the doc who did this - he did his best to convince me this is an unnecessary procedure. He didn't have to convince me, I was totally on board and would like to have told him, okay, I pass. Especially when he mentioned there is a 40-60% false negative for this test. Hmmmmm ....
But, given my loyalty to this doc, I allowed my bottom lip to be cut open so they could harvest a few salivary glands for examination. I haven't eaten much in the way of solid food since. My tarot cards said this is a bad idea - unfortunately, I didn't consult them until AFTER the procedure. My bad.
I had planned, for the second week in a row, on visiting the local Farmer's Market (one of the many we are blessed to have in our area) and pick up some fruit for us, some snacks and dinner for our daughter, and maybe dinner for us. It is an absolutely horrid day here - steady, heavy rain, fog, damp, cold - a really bad day anyone with an autoimmune disorder would understand. Even when I wasn't having debilitating symptoms over the last 12 years, a really cold, damp, dreary day would always knock me back.
Dear hubby said NO. Not only was the weather bad, but the market I wanted to go to was so much walking, even to get from the car to the parking lot. I lost my balance yesterday afternoon. It's never good, but really, I left it somewhere on the hospital campus - it hit suddenly. It's still not back, even to my new normal levels. So, we stayed home.
I tried several things today from my chaotic brain cloud - none of them turned out well. On top of that, I'm hungry, but can't really eat. I gave up. I did what my sweetheart has been telling me to do for weeks - nothing. I grabbed a homemade brew (I can drink - protein, glucose, carbohydrate, and potassium) and did something I rarely do - turned on the TV and watched a movie.
At the end of the movie I realized - I felt better. No, I still don't have my balance, still can't chew, still have pain and tremors - but the chaos is quiet. This is bad. I realized I am messed up even more than I realized. The source of my only true angst is this chaos in my head that takes away my concentration, my memory, my speech. Today I realized, I have to stop thinking. Just stop.
When I stop trying to figure everything out, I feel better. This sounds elementary - try to find space in this squeezed together reno household to meditate again? That might be an answer, or might be a scarier place - not sure. Or just forget it all? I'm close to that. The bills needed done last Friday - it's - um - Tuesday (looked at the calendar) - nope, still can't figure them out. My family doc says I should get a power of attorney so hubby or our kids can do the bills. No way. I see what my poor hubby goes through trying to take care of this stuff for his aging father. I never want to do that to my kids.
So, what is the answer? Well, I need a lot of answers - the first is the title of the blog. But, I don't know what to do about the loss of concentration, memory, speech and the chaos of every day in my head. Yesterday, when we were in the waiting room waiting to be called for my procedure, I overheard a man tell his son, "You don't want to have damage to your brain - what do you want to have to sit around drooling, doing nothing but watching soap operas all day?" I wanted to hit him. In my experience, the look I threw him should suffice. But, maybe he was right - maybe that is the only thing to appease your tired, chaotic brain when it no longer works for you....
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