Reflections

After being formally diagnosed by a doctor I much respect, I began reviewing the last 13 years of symptoms and problems I've had trying to make sense of this. I finally accepted that this is indeed MS, but has it always been? I obtained records of all of my neurology, ophthalmology, and neuropsych appointments as far back as 2000. I requested all current neurology records, tests, and some of my relevant family physician notes.

I had a documented lesion, according to my records, back in 2000. I also had documented damage to my right optic nerve that was listed as 'congenital defect'; however, on one-year follow up, the 'defect' was gone. How can something congenital just disappear?

But, the interesting question for me is - now believing I very likely had MS back in 2000 - how would a brain lesion and optic defect disappear? There is the question I am interested in.

How many times over the ebb and flow of the illness I suffered at least twice every year showed in my brain - but disappeared? Not darkened and sunk - but was gone? Could the beta blocker I took for my PSVT have done this - that which I no longer take? Could it have been one of my herbs? Is this possible?

I think I want to do a lot of research and a lot of trials - mostly natural - but, first I have to sort out the day to day.

I'm realizing the deficits I have, especially cognitive. They have only gotten worse since May 2012, steadily worse. I understand now what happened the last two days I worked my job. I find myself routinely trying to do some sort of calculation or high order thinking, the concentration for which can drop at the meow of the cat and be lost for hours or days. If I manage to concentrate long enough for the task, I'm proud of myself for completing it! In my job, this would be followed by taking out the steps I just figured out. The problem is, they are wrong. It may take me a day, a week, even a month to see it - but what I just did - wrong - all wrong. I don't know how to fix it. This is playing out in trying to pay the bills every month. My family doctor stated I need a power of attorney to help me with this. My hubby can do the bills, but he has these problems also - how do we know who is doing them right? Who do we allow to do our bills? Do we put that on our daughter? our son? Don't they have enough of this sort of thing to figure out on their own?

The physical tolls this disease takes are measurable, but the mental/psychological ones are the worst. They are invisible, misunderstood, and very hard to live with.