UUUGGGGHHHHHHH!

So, today I get my records from Hopkins - the record where my neurologist there listed every lesion location (6 in all - 2 of which he leads to be old lesions). I research every location, they all correlate with symptoms I've been having since April - the 'old' lesions correlate to symptoms I've had since 2000.

But, what does this neuro say in his opinion? That my symptoms are psychogenic - so my new local neuro didn't decide this all on her own. How can a dr say symptoms are psychogenic when the physical   evidence points to the exact symptoms I've been having?

Quite honestly, how can any doctor diagnose a clinical depression with psychogenic symptoms after exactly two office visits - which is all either of these doctors have had with me?

I, not unlike any of you, am a complex creature. First of all, I distrust doctors. Only my family doctor understands this, and only she has a true relationship with me at this point. She does not feel I am depressed.

I was diagnosed with a proper depression back in 2000-2001 - yes, I was depressed then. I finally was married to my high school sweetheart, with two beautiful young children, and doctors told us he had only two years to live. Um - would you be a tad depressed? Add to that you've lost a good portion of the vision in your right eye, are dizzy on a daily basis, limping, and so damned tired you can barely get yourself out of bed. Oh, and then add to that the fact that even though you have to deal with all this, and you decided you need to see a doctor for help - the doctor decided you're just depressed, despite the fact they may have found your very first lesion on MRI.

So, you go to the neuropsychiatrist - and he says, yes, you have this mild situational depression, but no - it's not likely causing your symptoms. You go back to your neuro and he says - Spinal Tap. Twenty-something you with the two small kids and the dying husband runs in the other direction as fast as your limping self can.

How many times do you need to go to the neuropsychiatrist to prove you're not crazy or depressed?

So, I don't trust doctors and I don't like allopathic medications. That puts me on a list right away - or maybe more. I'm noncompliant at first glance, and likely paranoid.

Add to this the fact that I was shoved into a career I never wanted, and denied the chance to live the life I always did want (homesteader and artist) - the financial hardships we've endured with a disabled head of household, the inequalities I've faced in the workplace, and the guilt of not being here for my kids as they grew up. And I still managed to climb the ladder, raise the kids, plant and harvest and preserve the gardens, run a small business on the side - I made my happiness. No one would call me depressed, even though I certainly could have been.

Now here I am, two neurologists who claim psychogenic symptoms due to depression - even though I have no symptoms of a clinical depression and do have physical evidence of lesions that correlate with all of my symptoms. What are my choices here?

Do I seek another neuropsychiatrist to 'clear my name?' Do I go back to either of these neuros and question them? Do I return to the neuro I started with who didn't pay much attention to my needs? or do I look for yet another neuro?

Oh No - Not Again!

I visited my new neurologist - optimistic that she could help me, only to be told my symptoms are likely psychogenic.

I felt like I was in an office 12 year earlier - the same suggestion - a referral to a neuropsychiatrist - feeling like I shouldn't be feeling the pain I'm feeling. The neuropsychiatrist determined that my symptoms were not psychosomatic or psychogenic - but had some other cause.

I was asked to submit to a lumbar puncture (spinal tap) at that time back in 2001 - I refused. My husband just having been diagnosed with scleroderma and two small children to care for - a career to try to build with no education or training - I couldn't do it.

Now, here I am again with this same cop-off, even having been formally diagnosed with MS TWICE.

I give up.

When to call a Doctor

This morning in PT - another seriously over the top work out of the bad leg that led to yet another fall - I explained the tremors since doing the steroid therapy. My therapist felt this should be reported to the doctor.

When you have MS, there are so many sensations, pains, and quirks that go with the MonSter - they become part of your every day. You learn the sinking, foggy feeling that signals your headed into the afternoon activity-stopping fatigue-the one, if you don't obey, will take out your voice, your legs, your concentration. You learn how far you can walk before your legs will just collapse, and how much is too much. You learn new ways to do almost everything you do every day, and how little you really can do.

So, when is it time to call a doctor? Since the steroids, I go into a tremulous fit every time I stand from a seated position (I know, weird, right? - most of this is). I have tingling in my hands now - both of them - pretty regularly. The tremors in my arms and hands are persistent and new.

More than anything, since the steroids, I am much more confused. I learned yesterday the reason I'm having so much trouble crocheting is because I am having a lot of trouble counting. This was one of the only things I could come up with that I might be able to do to make money, though likely far from a livable salary. Now, another path shut down.

My words just aren't coming and, worst of all, the speech problems have begun to resurface. I wonder did I not take enough steroid, but what would have happened if I did? In any case, it's time to fess up and see if the dosage really was right, or if this MonSter just isn't going to stop anymore. So, I've called the Doctor.

SO Confused

Literally - about a lot of things, but just in general even more.

I'm making holiday gifts. Somehow, I managed to knit in the wrong direction several times this morning - making a very lopsided start to a vest. I had to rip the project out three times this morning, taking me hours, getting tired and needing a nap thinking that would make things better. It didn't.

I decided to make lunch. I made an egg with brown rice. It was really good - shared with the dogs, only to return to the kitchen to find the miso soup I'd made earlier on the counter. I left it there to cool and completely forgot it was there.

Yesterday, I turned on my tea kettle for tea, forgot about it until the smoke came. No more tea kettle.

I've had better days :(